


Unhealthy

by RussianCaravan



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Depression, M/M, Medication, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-29
Updated: 2019-08-29
Packaged: 2020-09-28 21:57:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20433110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RussianCaravan/pseuds/RussianCaravan
Summary: This is a vent fic. Pure projection onto these characters tbh.





	Unhealthy

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Hux has some VERY wrong ideas about antidepressants, relationships, and coping mechanisms. Please take your medications.

Hux is trying so hard to come off his meds. He tried without them last night. Now the world is different; his brain buzzes and his movements feel unnatural. His limbs almost vibrate whenever he walks, his head is lighter, his vision is clear but somehow not quite right. The last time this happened the physical symptoms lasted days, but that was nothing compared to the overwhelming emotions he felt. At first it feels like numbness, like nothing in the world could possible fill the vast emptiness within his chest, but then it gets so much worse. Then it feels like the world is crashing down around you, one broken mug or one late bus leaves him breathing heavily and on the verge of tears.

Control, control, control.

He needs his meds again, but he doesn’t want them. He has to be there for Kylo, this is not the time for him to fall apart. Kylo needs his meds more than him, and they could save some money yeah? That’s what Hux tells Kylo, but deep down he knows he just can’t feel so weak. Taking medications to feel normal (and even then… he still has bad days). His father would be disappointed. He needed to be in control of himself, his emotions, and his actions.

Perhaps this wasn’t the time to go off antidepressants, not while he and Kylo are sorting out a whole new life. They had been together almost two years now, and about three months ago Kylo had begun dropping hints- what would swinging be like? How about being in an open relationship? Finn was dating both Poe and Rey, polyamory looked interesting. Hux wasn’t totally opposed, but he was hesitant. They barely had sex anymore, perhaps once or twice a month despite sleeping near inches from one another, because Kylo no longer felt much of anything from it. The conversations Hux had brought up, about perhaps being intimate more often, had Kylo lash out;

“YOU and your nagging make this a chore, no wonder I don’t want this”

“I didn’t mean that, but three weeks is a long time-“

“and I’ve been tired, think about that Hux, I work full time to support YOU, so you get to study your worthless architectural degree” This conversation had happened before, and it hurt. Hux wanted to argue that his degree wasn’t worthless, that it would bring in much more money long-term than his labour job, that he worked part-time to help out to, that he did almost all the household chores so Kylo could rest before and after his long days at work. He said none of that, he was used to the responses by now, none of them pleasant. He apologised, refusing to look Kylo in the eye.

The conversation came up again after Kylo sat him down and asked about becoming more open.

“It’s just… we don’t really have sex as it is, I feel like I would never get to have you anymore. Or perhaps that your sexual interests exists, but not for me.”

“It isn’t about that Hux! How selfish must you be? I am tired. We have had this conversation multiple times.”

“I know and I’m sorry, it is just that you wanting others makes me feel unattractive.”

“That isn’t what I’m saying, I still find you attractive, how many fucking times do I have to say it? Do you need a sex quota? This is already a chore as it is Armitage.” That cut, his father was the only one who called him Armitage.

“It’s just… that and the comments about my weight gain…” he had gained weight, disgusting red stretch marks covered his stomach to prove it. Kylo loved to tease him about that.

“Ugh, that is clearly a joke, why do you need to bring it up now? In a serious conversation?”

“It’s just, when you say it so often, it doesn’t make me feel very confident in myself.”

“That isn’t my problem, and you know it.”

He did know it, he apologised and went to have a hot shower.

He had an urge, an urge he had been feeling often as of late, an urge he had tried to quit a long time ago. Tiny white scars which shone on his skin along his wrists, thighs, and shoulder blades were permanent reminders of this bad little habit. He hated them, yet he always wanted to make more, especially right now.

He resisted tonight. Instead he fantasised about suicide, he considered paying a dodgy dealer to give him heroine, far too much to consume without overdosing, and die in a fancy hotel room, high and lying in silk sheets. He knew that wasn’t a good idea, there were a number of ways that could go wrong (he couldn’t go back to the hospital again) but he still fantasised. It stopped him cutting. Whether this was better or worse for his mental health he couldn’t decide. At least Kylo wouldn’t notice this coping mechanism, especially considering his distaste for smoking.

This would also help prevent Kylo from himself relapsing into old habits; his were considerably worse than Huxes, with large raised scars running along both wrists and several covering his thighs. He hadn’t in much longer than Hux had, but he had other methods, like punching the walls of their apartment, or the fence at the train station, or the many thick oak trees in the neighbourhood park.

Hux went to bed with eyes too heavy to stay awake and too swollen from crying to sleep. There were no bedtime cuddles, no “I love you” before turning over for the night. The only thing they did do was take their medications;

Hux felt weak, but not as weak as he would be without them.


End file.
